Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Phir teri kahani yaad aayi!! (Remebering you once again)



Osteoporosis is progressive bone disease normally affecting people of old age. Osteoporosis in children (sometimes called juvenile osteoporosis) can be caused by certain medical conditions, genetic disorders. In rare cases, the condition has no cause and is known as idiopathic juvenile osteoporosis but the chances of this happening in a child/adolescent are 1 in a million.
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It was a beautiful church. Ok, probably not the best thing you would look for in Pisa. Most tourists will be fascinated just by seeing the leaning tower here, but I, as always, find the touristy spots too populated 'art wise' to retain its original class and beauty. Kinda defeats the whole purpose of visiting Pisa, isn't it? But no, if you are not a mindless tourist who hopelessly tries to see as many famous places as possible in as short time span as possible (as if running a race against time, and not winning would mean the end of the world). Anyhow, returning to the tourist part, so if you are not a mindless tourist who comes to Pisa to take pictures of a poor limping building and to oogle at Italian women, you might also read about Pisa's famous old town architecture and its uniquely designed cathedrals/churches.

Coming to the point, It was a beautiful church.I was absolutely in love with it. I went inside. The peace, the serenity, it filled my heart.The architecture was absolute brilliance and it was glowing with a light which you know can purify you of all sins ever committed.I did my share of prayers and offered the lord my gratitude, then I went straight to check the timings. I was in luck. The father was in the box now. I quickly went and sat in.


I knocked on the window. "Father, are you there?" I asked inquisitively.

The window opened and I saw a shadow of an elderly man sitting on the other side. "Yes my child, I am here for you."

"Thank you father, father I have come from a long way just to be in this church father."

"Life is not measured by how far you have come, it is always measured by how far you are left to go."

"Yes father."

"Now say my child, what brings you from far away, to this room?"


After what seemed an eternity of pause, I started "Mmm...I..aa..Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"Yes my child, I sense nervousness in your voice. Breathe my child. Take the lord's name.......now tell me what's wrong?"

"Father, I am a sinner..no no..I am a KILLER."
Hearing these words come out of my mouth I confronted the darkest truth I have been running away from all these years.
Hearing these words made me realize what a coward I have been all my life. I felt so powerless, out of breath, my eyes flooded with water and...and tears start falling from my eyes.

"No, my child, you are just mislead. Confess to the lord and the lord will forgive you. There is no greater forgiveness than repentance my child."

"Ok father, if you say so, I will tell you what I did,maybe then the lord will have difficulties in forgiving my sins."
I said while wiping the tears from both my cheeks.
"The lord knows all my child, he is living inside you. The moment you are true to the lord, he forgives you."

I was still sobbing, but I continued.."Father, I killed a women I dearly loved."

With the same calm undertone which lay over his voice, the father asked.."Why my child?"

"This happened when I was still in high school Father, A new family had moved in next door. I didn't know much about them, in fact nothing except that the head of the family had a transferable job which made him change cities, even countries and he was a staunch religious catholic. But I hardly cared about his profession or religious beliefs. All I cared was that he had a beautiful daughter, I almost fell for her the moment I saw her. Sadly, I never gathered the courage to talk to her. Our parents became friends pretty soon, but this made things all the more difficult. As now I had to meet her often and look at her unable to speak. To be honest, I was so dumbfounded whenever I saw her. I found out that her name was Jennifer and she was three years younger to me by bribing my little brother to gather more information about her.

It all changed when we met at a birthday party of a common friend, free from our parents' looming shadows.I finally gathered the courage to go talk to her. She recognized me instantly, she knew my name, and apparently a lot more than about me , than I knew about her. She was quiet friendly, there was an instant spark. I was surprised, I was afraid, but I loved it.She was so comfortable talking to me, there was no awkwardness between us, the initial nervousness from my side was also gone
now.I was laughing, I was being stupid and she was laughing with me. We almost missed the cake cutting being lost in our talks.It was the happiest day of my life."


This recollection brought a smile to my face. The father as calm as always, was patiently listening. He never interrupted, not even once. He was the best listener I have had in years, not even a shrink can be this patient. I guess all our problems would seem lighter if we had someone who would just listen without prejudice and judgements.

I continued..
"After that day, we were passing smiles regularly to each other if we met in passing, the usual Hi-hellos plus a little chit-chat as well. Now that I had broken the ice, I gave myself time to explore what I felt for her, was it love or just a passing phase? I was wrong on both accounts, It was not a phase, it was certainly not just passing. It wasn't love either. Though I was not crazily, madly, deeply thinking about her throughout the day, she was on my mind every now and then. I also liked talking to her whenever we did talk. I liked spending time with her, but that was it. I did care for her, but not in a possessive sort of way. Finally after much thought, I came to a conclusion and categorized that it was a crush. Yes, a crush. So now that I knew I had a crush on her, what could have been done about it. Well actually, nothing. I decided I will go with the flow of things and let time decide where things stand.

In two months time, we grew closer, I started inviting her to hang out with me, even to my friend's birthday parties. My friends were her friends now. She was happy. I was happier. We gave each other nicknames, I used to call her 'Jello' and she used to call me 'Brad Pitt', I didn't look anything close to him, but this was her payback. Actually she always used to call herself J.Lo, like Jennifer Lopez. I used to make fun of her and started calling her 'jello', so to seek revenge she started calling me 'Brad Pitt', just to remind me of my ugliness."
I started laughing. I realized the excitement in my voice made me louder and I was audible even out of the booth.

I calmed down and continued..
"Once during my birthday, we were dancing 5 hours non-stop, this is when it all started, we stopped dancing because she had to go pee and later she realized it was wayyyy past her bed time, so she left rather quickly. Next morning, I felt like calling her, i missed her like crazy. After an hour of weighing the pros and cons of the call, I finally decided to call her. I had to call her at home as I didn't have her cell number. I should have taken it when I had the chance. But anyways, so I called her home number, and of course her mom picked up, Just my luck. I asked for her, but her mom said she is sick and cannot come to the phone. Saying this she hung up. I felt that she was a little rude, but I guessed her parents were angry for last night and were making up excuses.

That evening I couldn't contain myself anymore and went to her house to see what was really going on. I had a good excuse that I came to see her as she is sick. I took a bunch of flowers to support my sincere concern. I rang the bell. Her mom opened the door. Seeing the flowers in my hand she pointed me to jello's room upstairs and in a flat tone of voice said that she is in her room and I can go see her. It felt like as if she was almost expecting me.

I went to her room and saw her lying on the bed running a high fever. She was shivering and her ears were plugged with cotton, which was soaking red. The flowers fell from my hand. She saw me and smiled. I was still in shock. It took a moment before I could register what was going on. I briskly walked towards her and with one hand on her burning head, I sat besides the bed on the floor. I still couldn't believe what I was seeing. I wanted to speak but words failed me. All I could come up with was.."I...What."..and other random words.  I gathered myself a bit more, cleared the lump in my throat and with a stronger voice asked what the hell happened to her?  Both of us noticed my voice breaking down and she smiled while my head bent down in embarrassment. I looked her in the eye, wanting for her to speak, getting forever distracted by the bloody red cotton hanging out of her ear. To express more concern I wanted to hold her hand, she told me not to touch it and not get offended...she was in a lot of pain and touching her hurt as well. It was unreal, I was in a nightmare. I had no idea what was even going on. I smiled and told her I will be back, saying this I left the room hastily as I couldn't bear to look at her like this. I asked her mom that what was wrong with my 'jello'. I came to know that she had idiopathic juvenile osteoporosis. This meant she had highly weakened bones. Her bones had stopped getting appropriate calcium from when she was around 10 years old. No wonder she always looked so fragile, like a toddler.She was under some form of alternative medicine as she was tired of trying the regular ones. The bleeding ear was a side effect of the strong dosage, which she needed due to the heavy exertion of dancing the previous night. In short, I was the reason for triggering this yet again after a gap of seven months.


I felt terribly guilty and was in tears, her mom reassured it wasn't my fault. The attacks could theoretically come anytime, even when she might be just sitting at home watching TV. Somehow this did not comfort me the way it was intended. I never thought that her wonderful smile hid so much pain. She was so cheerful all the time, even when she was in pain. How could she be so calm? From where did she have so much strength and courage to face a life like that? Not even once did she denied dancing with me that night, knowing very well what it might lead to.

                                                                       
She came to see me after a week, when she started walking again.I did not have the courage to face her the whole week, I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done to her. She came in my room and started talking to me as if nothing happened. I felt uneasy and asked her how does she do this? her answer left me speechless. She said that one day soon enough she will die with the disease anyways, so why die everyday thinking about it, instead live everyday so the day when death greets you, you can look in its eyes and say,Life-1 Death-0. I went and hugged her. I felt she was not looking at things realistically, but her ignorance gave her strength to fight the pain. In my head, I saluted her courage.I started crying while I was still hugging her, all I could say was sorry. All she said was that its okay and her body still hurts. I let her go and again said sorry. She was stroking her arm from the pain but was also smiling. That was the moment I decided in my head, that I will marry her."

I was expecting the father to say something at this point, but instead he was very silent. I guessed he wanted me to come to the point. I continued.."Of course, even when I decided in my head that I will marry her, I never told her. Also because I never knew how she will take it. Years passed, but her attacks never ceased completely. That night of my birthday triggered a reaction which never stopped. But down the line, even I coped up with her disease and started not to make a big deal out of it, just for her sake.

As I entered college, I left the city and could only be back home on the weekends. I liked to think that she missed me, but she never said this from her own mouth, nor did she ever call. She used to reply only if I message first and used to see me only if I called her when I was home on the weekends. My mom told me that she was not doing well at all, and her body was giving up on her. Her bones were getting too weak to support her. I refused to believe her. Call it denial or whatever, I always thought she was healthy.
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Then one day in my college, I met this amazing girl. She was really beautiful...and friendly. In the beginning I thought she was wayyyyy out of my league, so I never tried to flirt with her. I had an instant crush on her though. I gave her the nickname 'caviar' because I knew I could never get her, just like a bowl of caviar. Also the first day I saw her, she was wearing this shiny orange top which reminded me of caviar. I made a terrible first impression on her, even without talking she had some weird notion about me just the way she saw me behave in class and with my classmates. I wasn't any bully or anything, but you know, how guys can be in the first year of college..feeling like the king of the world and all..something similar...As we had all the classes together, I tried to end up in her work group, one way or the other..slowly I guess she developed a certain amount of neutrality or even liking for me, as we started spending time after classes together, in the beginning it was all me who wanted to..asking for different assignments and notes etc., slowly there was some reciprocation from her side as well. The whole week in the college used to pass in anticipation of the classes to get over and to see her, everyday trying to find a new excuse which wouldn't make me come out as a stalker or a creep in her eyes. Finally, on my weekends, I used to go home and hang out with 'jello'. It felt like, I was leading two different lives. 5 days a week with my new found crush and 2 days with my old flame. This went on for months. During this time, 'Caviar' and I developed a mutual fondness and became much more closer than I could have anticipated, we didn't need excuses to see each other anymore..the assignment exchanges slowly extended into dinner at canteens, I started dropping her off to her hostel, and texting or calling her all the walk back to my hostel. Our texts included everything from cheesy 'good morning' messages to making fun of teachers to making fun of classmates, all the way up to harmless flirting and taking digs at each other. Even in silent and boring classes, we used to have a ball. We were into each other, almost inseparable. It was an enjoyable feeling, I wished that it would never end. I got more and more pulled towards 'caviar', but never once I left the thought of marrying 'jello'. 


Soon, the first year exams approached, I stopped visiting home on the weekends as it gave me extra time to group study. I started spending the weekends studying with 'caviar' now, the first year had the same syllabus for all disciplines. This helped me a lot as she was a brilliant student. One night, a week before our exams started, 'caviar' told me she liked me, out of the blue. We were quietly studying in the library. I as always, had no idea what to say. She started laughing seeing my face, but quickly covered her mouth with her hand realizing we were in the library. She told me to relax and said I don't have to like her back. I did like her. I still remember that she was wearing a skinny fit blue jeans and a white shirt with stripes, of course I liked her. Why else would I remember these trivial details of that night. But now I was torn between 'jello' and her. After the study session, we went our separate ways, she understood that I needed time to think and she respected that. She smiled and said 'good night', I wanted to hug her, but didn't...I couldn't. On the walk back from the library I messaged a 'hi' to 'jello', hoping to start a conversation. She never replied. That night I prayed to god, I prayed hard. I prayed for him to show me the way. On one hand I had 'jello', who was my school time crush and whom I had known for many many years now and whom I had promised myself to marry. On the other hand was 'caviar', who I only knew for barely a year but who was so sooooo beautiful, and I was falling for her, in fact, I had fallen for her. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't betray 'jello', but I couldn't leave 'caviar' as well. I left it up to god. I could only be with one person, and wished that somehow, magically, all this confusion will come to an end and I would have clarity to choose who I want to be with. Even if that meant he will take one of them away from me.

That night passed, exams came. I still didn't reply anything to 'caviar', I still did not receive any text from 'jello'. But I was more tensed because of the exams than to think any of this. After finishing my first paper, I called home as per tradition, to tell me mom how the exams went. What happened next shook my entire being. My mom told me that 'jello' has been in the hospital for the past 3 days. The attacks had gone out of control and 'jello' had specifically told everyone not to inform me because she knew I will screw up my exams. I was furious. I couldn't believe my ears. I started screaming at the top of my voice. I couldn't believe my mom would keep something like this from me. She said 'jello' was in her worst shape up until yesterday, but today she could at least open her eyes and talk. I wanted to go back home to see her. It was a 5 hours drive to home. There was no way I would have made it back in time for the exam the next day if I left even at that very moment. But I had to see her, I called her mom. She advised me not to come, she said 'jello' is doing much better and I can come and see her on the weekend when she will probably be back home. I was not convinced. I called up every two hours to check on her status. I couldn't talk to her. No one ever passed the phone to her.I was getting more and more anxious. I couldn't concentrate in my studies at all. I should have, but I couldn't. 'Caviar' was calling me throughout the day after she heard about it. She knew the importance of 'jello' in my life. Ironically , 'jello' never knew about her. 'Jello' and I had so much to talk about whenever we met that my college life and friends never came up.

At 8 pm that night, my mom called, 'jello' was no more.

I couldn't hear anything anymore. I sat down on the passage outside my room where I was talking to my mom. I started crying. All my friends who were nearby ran towards me. They tried to lift me up. I felt powerless, the weight of the earth on my shoulders pushing me down. I couldn't even say good bye, She was no more. I can't see her anymore. I couldn't even see her for one last time. I killed her. I KILLED HER. I asked god to show me the way, I asked god to take someone away if he has to but help me make a choice. I am the one who was responsible for her death. In her death, she made me free from the dilemma of ever choosing her. I never knew if she even loved me or not, and now I could never know. I never knew how she felt during her final hours. I couldn't talk to anyone about her. Even her family moved out soon after her death.Everything felt...EMPTY"... With these words, I started crying again, and now I no longer cared if people could hear me outside the booth, or outside the church, or even outside the country. I had faced the side of me which I was forever running from. I revealed something which was buried deep in my heart, always weighing me down. Today it was out there.Staring me directly in my face. I had no option but to confront it now.

"She wanted to see you son, All she was asking in her last moments was you." My bloodshot red eyes looked up in shock as the small curtain covering the little window between me and the father was pulled aside and the finally the shadow which I was referring to as the father all this while, showed its real face to me.

I couldn't believe my eyes.


All I could say was "You?"

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