Saturday, March 4, 2017

Fresh prints on snow

"Look what you did to me, see what is happening, this is all your fault. I told you so many times to be careful, but you never listen to me".

"Okay, honey." I said in a calm manner. "I understand that you are in a lot of pain and are hating everything right now, but please calm down and remember what the doctor said, Breathe". I held her hand tighter than earlier. She was wheeled in and finally transferred on to the hospital bed.

After few short breaths she continued, "I told you that let's not try during the summer, why don't you ever listen to me you!"

"Come on, honey, are you seriously angry at me because we will have a winter child? Lots of people are born in the winters."

"In the tropics!" She exclaimed. "This happens in the tropical climates, not in the bloody poles."

"Yes, okay, fine. I realize that, but to be fair, when is it summer here anyway."

"If she falls sick due to the cold weather I will kill you, I swear", she was still not over it. Thankfully, the doctor came to our room to check in on her.

"How is it looking Viktor?" I inquired. Viktor was the only OBGYN in our station and was on a yearlong mission, and even though he was not from our unit, he was a tremendous help during our pregnancy. I was debating the possibility of naming our child Viktor if we had a boy.

"Not enough dilation, might take a few more hours. If it’s still not dilated, we try and induce labour."

"Okay, but I am not sure if she wants to".

"Yes", she said cutting me off. Her reaction took me by surprise.

"Okay, sure. See you soon" and Viktor left.

She started crying, and with tears rolling down her face, "It hurts, it hurts so much. I am sorry that I am angry on you, I don't know what to do anymore, whom to take it out on".

I added a few pillows to support her back and lift her up a little bit. "Hey, It’s okay, I am here for you, honey. Don't worry. By the way, do you know that you said 'she'?"


"You said 'she', if she falls sick. Are we having a daughter honey?"

"Yes, yes we are", she smiled.

"We decided we won't find out, didn't we?"

"Sorry, I couldn't resist." She was still smiling naughtily, like a child caught eating extra candies on Halloween. Her cheeks were cherry red due to all the pain and the smile looked perfect on her red face. She was sweating, but she still had a glow through which she had never looked more beautiful to me.

"If I wasn't this happy, I would be so mad at you right now." I laughed and kissed her. She held the back of my head and leaned in on the kiss as well, forgetting her pain for that moment.

"Ow, ow, aah." She wailed in pain. Of course, it had to be interrupted. Goddamn contractions!

"Another contraction?"

"Yes" she could barely speak through the pain, all the while holding her abdomen.

"I will get Viktor". I started to move away when she caught my t-shirt and stopped me.

"No, stay. Press the button." Pointing to a button on the side of her bed. I pressed it and Viktor came rushing in a few seconds.

"Viktor, please check her dilation. Maybe she is ready now." I was worried and he could see it on my face. I felt the anxiety grow inside of me and I started sweating profusely too.

"Okay, we can take her. She is ready, but you have to be the midwife. Da?"

"No" my wife said firmly, gasping for breath. The contractions were now happening every few seconds. She was ready for delivery but she was still resisting, "No, he stays right here. By my side. I am not letting him look at me while birthing."

"Alright, but then I need to find someone else who can help me out. We will have to sterilize them and then bring them in. It will take time." Viktor was visibly irritated.

"What about water birth?" I asked him.

Viktor paused for a moment, "da, that will work. If you hold her top, I can take care of the bottom." We transferred her to the stretcher and wheeled her to the bathroom which had a bath tub. He turned the tap to 90° Centigrade to first sterilize the whole tub and proceeded to fill it with 40° C water. In 10 minutes, we were ready to put her inside. Water significantly reduced her pain, making me feel like an idiot to not think about this earlier.

"Okay, now come on." Viktor said. "Breathe and push, each time harder than the last time. It will pop in no time."

"Come on honey, you can do it."

~~~6 years later~~~

Sitting outside the admissions' office of our first in line school, we were waiting for our turn.

"You can go in now", the secretary pointed at us to go in.

The officer took our forms and started filling out the paper work. She had an expressionless face, seemed like she was thoroughly bored of her job. She had big glasses on her face. I had imagined her to be older and probably wrinkly from her voice, but she wasn’t so, probably in her 40s.  

After checking our forms and filling in the necessary details, she called my  daughter to a higher chair near her desk and proceeded to ask her questions as part of the admission process.

"What is your name dear?” she started.

"Viktoria, with a K".

She smiled, glanced at me and continued. "When is your birthday?"

"27th December 2016". The lady ticked something on her form.

"Right, where were you born Viktoria with a K?"


I rushed to clarify in between, “she still cannot pronounce her N's properly. It's actually 'McMurdo station, Antarctica'”.

"Right. That will fix itself in time, and please let her answer." She said matter of factly, devoid of any emotion in her voice. She then turned to her again and before she could ask another question, Viktoria jumped out of her seat and ran towards the large French window which extended from the ground to the ceiling and was placed behind the officer.

"Look Daddy, it’s snowing." Her eyes lighted at the sight of snow and she wanted me to have a look as well. She started tapping the glass with her finger pointing at the ground, “Look daddy, look. So much snow”.  She proceeded to place her tiny palms on the window and pressed her face against the glass.

"Yes dear, we will soon go out and play outside, but come here for now, don't keep the lovely lady waiting." I asked her from my seat, hoping she will listen.

"But I want to go now. I am scared to sit so close to her. She has big eyes."

"No honey, don't be scared." I was embarrassed by her prompt honesty. I got up and separated her from the window. She left grease marks on the glass, I could see that the officer was not impressed. I put her on my lap to complete the interview.

The interview lasted 10 more minutes after which we were free to check out the school premises. Instead, we left the building to play Viktoria's favourite winter game, making fresh prints in the snow. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Till love do us part!

In that kitchen, midst of all that mess, everything froze: Me, her and Time.

What followed 'it' was a moment filled with complete awkwardness and silence. I have no idea how long the silence lasted but it was definitely long enough for both of us to realize that what happened, shouldn't have. When the realization sunk in, her eyes widened in fear and disbelief, she hung her head down and started nodding, perhaps even without realizing it herself. Still it was clear enough for me to understand that she regretted it. She wet her lips a little with her tongue and her lips were parting slowly, still looking for words to speak. But I knew that whatever she will speak, won't be what I want to hear.

It dawned on me that I was holding her hand. I let her hand go and said "I should go".

"Wait, no wait" she responded.

"I can't, I should leave."

"Please, can we at least.."

"No, I need to leave" I cut her mid way. "I have to.."


Her eyes, now sad. Those deep mesmerizing eyes. I fell in love with them each time I saw them staring at me. Everyday, every minute, every second. Every time I saw her I felt those eyes were singing songs of the sirens, luring me towards them, calling me out. Every time, like a fool, I dropped everything and swam right behind them, into shipwreck. Those eyes! They were sad now. In under a minute I saw those eyes journey from passion to disbelief to sad. I couldn't let that happen. They had cast a spell on me, yet again. I stopped.

"Ok". I said. "I'll stop".

"Thank you". While saying this she came close to me, she was trying to be normal. I could see it from her body language. She was trying but failing miserably. I could see that she was equally confused and didn't know how to react anymore. She tried to hold my hand. I didn't let her. While pulling my hand away from her, I hit it on the adjacent wall.

"Owww" I shrieked.

"Careful, don't hurt yourself".

I looked at her, she could see the shame in my eyes. She took my hand in hers, this time I let her. She dragged me and made me sit on her couch. She resuming control, said "Now, what just happened?"Suddenly, from the flimsy, messy, loud-mouthed girl she became soft, calm and mature.

"Please don't be silent, please tell me, please." She asked again. this time pleading me to break my silence.

"I don't know" I said.

"Ohkay, but why ...from when...suddenly, HOW?" she was surprised. Confused. I couldn't blame her. So was I. So many questions running in her head. I had answers to none of them.

"I DON'T KNOW". This time my voice was loud and clear.

"Ok, ok, relax. It's no big deal." She was taken aback by my response and was trying to calm me down.

"No big deal, Really??? How can you say that?"

"Well, yeah." Her voice started to stutter and I could feel that she was filled with self-doubt. After so many years of being close friends. Even her small mannerisms caught my eyes clearly. I knew exactly what she was thinking at any given moment.

"Shut the fuck up, do you know me? Do you take me for an idiot? Do you think I don't know you, or what you feel? We are best friends, I know what you think by the way you breath. That's how well I know you. So don't give me this bullshit that it's no big deal; because no matter what you say. I know it is. For you. IT IS A BIG DEAL. You are so messed up man, do you know for how long have I tried to deny it, tried to bury these feelings inside of me because I know that if i show them to you, it will mess you up. It will mess you up so bad. I know it way too well. In our friendship, I have been the strong pillar on which you have always leaned on. I know that you feel that I am the reason you think that your life is together at the moment. You think I am holding all of your broken pieces together. But guess what, you hold me together too. I am broken too."I covered my face with my palms. For a long time I had this uncontrollable urge to confess all my feelings to her. It was now satisfied. I had kept my emotions bottled up for so long inside that now the dam of my patience wasn't able to take the pressure anymore and finally gave up. My emotions were flowing. Finally. And I was riding on them, freely and carelessly. I knew that this flood of emotions will destroy everything in its path, but there was no stopping it now.

I knew her eyes were watery since her nose had started running. She took out a tissue to clean herself up. She tried to take my hand off my face to see if I was ok. I was not, my face was warm, red and my palms were wet from my tears. I felt so many emotions, so strongly that it physically hurt. I moved my face away, avoiding her touch yet again. But I took my palms off my face anyways.

At that moment she said " I cannot lose you, you are the only one who is holding me together. I am not lying about that."

"I know that, of course I know that."

I had significantly calmed down, to my own surprise. I felt the worst was over. That storm inside of me had calmed down. I felt much more normal now.

"Of course I know that" I continued. "That is why I didn't wanna complicate things for any of us. I know what we had was stable, was solid, thick. I didn't want to lose it too. After all that has happened, I cannot afford to lose the way I fell about you."

"Awww..look at you, being all mushy and shit." Ok, she was back to her normal stupid self.

Thank to her, I felt better now. "Stop. Ok. See, I knew you like me from the very beginning." I said.

"Really, was it that obvious?"

"Duh! Your eyes give it all away."


"Yes, so well, it was that obvious.But I never acted on it, willingly."

" What? Why?"

"Because we never talked about it, I couldn't just assume that you like me. If I would have assumed and made some advances in that direction, what if it wasn't true and things got weird. I didn't want that to happen. So I was always silent. You understand right?"

"Yeah, I understand", she paused for a moment, thinking something deeply, then she spoke again, "But how do we proceed from here?"

"I don't know, I can't let these feelings grow, I mean how will I explain it to 'her'?"

"Oh right! I don't think you can."

"I know, but I have to right, Don't I ?" This time I was filled with self doubt. Looking for some reassurance from the only trustworthy friend I had.

"Depends on you, Its not like you two are in a relationship."

"We are not in a relationship....yet."

As soon as I said that, I realized that I shouldn't have. Her face turned serious again, her eyes grew big and had a streak of seriousness in them. Her eyes were a mirror to her heart. They started welling up again. Everything going on inside her was so clearly visible to me, as if I was sitting right inside her heart witnessing all the turmoil happen right in front of me. The joy and hope which had rekindled, was slowly dying inside of her. No matter how much she denied it, that kiss had her flying high, but as reality struck, I could see her crashing down. She was willing to let everything go, her family, her friends, her past life, her stupid, complicated flings. She was willing to let everything go and jump right in with me inside that mess of a head I had. Hand in hand, together. She was willing to untie each and every knot, uncomplicate every complication, iron out every crease. But I was too chicken to let her. Even after letting out everything. Even after putting all my cards on the table. Even after winning. I wasn't willing to. I didn't want to win, I couldn't.

 I couldn't see her so miserable anymore.I got up and proceeded towards the gate. This time she didn't stop me. She was still sitting on the couch, looking at me, sad and dismal. As if her life was slipping away from her hands. This is what I was afraid of. This is what I wanted to avoid, this is what I could never do, I didn't want to hurt her, she had been hurt way too often and way too much by others. I was the only reason she was happy, stable and composed. Now I was taking that away from her. I shouldn't leave, I didn't want to. My heart was telling me not to. It was still stuck on that couch. Sitting, looking at me in dismay. But I was weak- I was weak then, when I kissed her in the kitchen, I was weak now, when I was leaving her alone. I didn't know what tomorrow had in store for us. I didn't know if we will be friends tomorrow. Deep in my heart I knew we will be, but I was still afraid. My heart was sinking. My throat was drying up. I was weak in my knees. But I pushed all these feelings away and got ready. I turned towards and looked at her. Her eyes looked right through me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave. Not this way.

I opened up my arms, I wanted her to hug me. She got up and came running towards me. She hugged me tightly. Like never before.It felt like forever; deeply satisfying. She didn't want to let go. I didn't either, but I had to. I slowly pulled myself away ending the hug. She understood and started pulling herself away too. It was time to let go. Her reluctance was clearly visible, but it was time. She was looking at me. So was I . This time completely lost in those big, watery eyes of hers. She came close, she brought her face closer to mine. I did too. All my barriers started vanishing one by one, all my guards started falling as I moved closer to her inch by inch. I tilted my head to the right, she to the left. I could feel her breath on my face now. With one hand I held her hand and put it on my chest and held her waist and pressed it against mine with the other. I could feel a sudden blood rush inside of me. Her heart was racing, I could feel her heartbeat through her hands on my chest. She felt it too. We were so close that everything else became blurry. At that moment nothing else mattered. All the apprehensions, complications disappeared. At that very moment, she closed her eyes. I did too and...

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Phir teri kahani yaad aayi!! (Remebering you once again)

Osteoporosis is progressive bone disease normally affecting people of old age. Osteoporosis in children (sometimes called juvenile osteoporosis) can be caused by certain medical conditions, genetic disorders. In rare cases, the condition has no cause and is known as idiopathic juvenile osteoporosis but the chances of this happening in a child/adolescent are 1 in a million.

It was a beautiful church. Ok, probably not the best thing you would look for in Pisa. Most tourists will be fascinated just by seeing the leaning tower here, but I, as always, find the touristy spots too populated 'art wise' to retain its original class and beauty. Kinda defeats the whole purpose of visiting Pisa, isn't it? But no, if you are not a mindless tourist who hopelessly tries to see as many famous places as possible in as short time span as possible (as if running a race against time, and not winning would mean the end of the world). Anyhow, returning to the tourist part, so if you are not a mindless tourist who comes to Pisa to take pictures of a poor limping building and to oogle at Italian women, you might also read about Pisa's famous old town architecture and its uniquely designed cathedrals/churches.

Coming to the point, It was a beautiful church.I was absolutely in love with it. I went inside. The peace, the serenity, it filled my heart.The architecture was absolute brilliance and it was glowing with a light which you know can purify you of all sins ever committed.I did my share of prayers and offered the lord my gratitude, then I went straight to check the timings. I was in luck. The father was in the box now. I quickly went and sat in.

I knocked on the window. "Father, are you there?" I asked inquisitively.

The window opened and I saw a shadow of an elderly man sitting on the other side. "Yes my child, I am here for you."

"Thank you father, father I have come from a long way just to be in this church father."

"Life is not measured by how far you have come, it is always measured by how far you are left to go."

"Yes father."

"Now say my child, what brings you from far away, to this room?"

After what seemed an eternity of pause, I started "Mmm...I..aa..Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"Yes my child, I sense nervousness in your voice. Breathe my child. Take the lord's tell me what's wrong?"

"Father, I am a no..I am a KILLER."
Hearing these words come out of my mouth I confronted the darkest truth I have been running away from all these years.
Hearing these words made me realize what a coward I have been all my life. I felt so powerless, out of breath, my eyes flooded with water and...and tears start falling from my eyes.

"No, my child, you are just mislead. Confess to the lord and the lord will forgive you. There is no greater forgiveness than repentance my child."

"Ok father, if you say so, I will tell you what I did,maybe then the lord will have difficulties in forgiving my sins."
I said while wiping the tears from both my cheeks.
"The lord knows all my child, he is living inside you. The moment you are true to the lord, he forgives you."

I was still sobbing, but I continued.."Father, I killed a women I dearly loved."

With the same calm undertone which lay over his voice, the father asked.."Why my child?"

"This happened when I was still in high school Father, A new family had moved in next door. I didn't know much about them, in fact nothing except that the head of the family had a transferable job which made him change cities, even countries and he was a staunch religious catholic. But I hardly cared about his profession or religious beliefs. All I cared was that he had a beautiful daughter, I almost fell for her the moment I saw her. Sadly, I never gathered the courage to talk to her. Our parents became friends pretty soon, but this made things all the more difficult. As now I had to meet her often and look at her unable to speak. To be honest, I was so dumbfounded whenever I saw her. I found out that her name was Jennifer and she was three years younger to me by bribing my little brother to gather more information about her.

It all changed when we met at a birthday party of a common friend, free from our parents' looming shadows.I finally gathered the courage to go talk to her. She recognized me instantly, she knew my name, and apparently a lot more than about me , than I knew about her. She was quiet friendly, there was an instant spark. I was surprised, I was afraid, but I loved it.She was so comfortable talking to me, there was no awkwardness between us, the initial nervousness from my side was also gone
now.I was laughing, I was being stupid and she was laughing with me. We almost missed the cake cutting being lost in our talks.It was the happiest day of my life."

This recollection brought a smile to my face. The father as calm as always, was patiently listening. He never interrupted, not even once. He was the best listener I have had in years, not even a shrink can be this patient. I guess all our problems would seem lighter if we had someone who would just listen without prejudice and judgements.

I continued..
"After that day, we were passing smiles regularly to each other if we met in passing, the usual Hi-hellos plus a little chit-chat as well. Now that I had broken the ice, I gave myself time to explore what I felt for her, was it love or just a passing phase? I was wrong on both accounts, It was not a phase, it was certainly not just passing. It wasn't love either. Though I was not crazily, madly, deeply thinking about her throughout the day, she was on my mind every now and then. I also liked talking to her whenever we did talk. I liked spending time with her, but that was it. I did care for her, but not in a possessive sort of way. Finally after much thought, I came to a conclusion and categorized that it was a crush. Yes, a crush. So now that I knew I had a crush on her, what could have been done about it. Well actually, nothing. I decided I will go with the flow of things and let time decide where things stand.

In two months time, we grew closer, I started inviting her to hang out with me, even to my friend's birthday parties. My friends were her friends now. She was happy. I was happier. We gave each other nicknames, I used to call her 'Jello' and she used to call me 'Brad Pitt', I didn't look anything close to him, but this was her payback. Actually she always used to call herself J.Lo, like Jennifer Lopez. I used to make fun of her and started calling her 'jello', so to seek revenge she started calling me 'Brad Pitt', just to remind me of my ugliness."
I started laughing. I realized the excitement in my voice made me louder and I was audible even out of the booth.

I calmed down and continued..
"Once during my birthday, we were dancing 5 hours non-stop, this is when it all started, we stopped dancing because she had to go pee and later she realized it was wayyyy past her bed time, so she left rather quickly. Next morning, I felt like calling her, i missed her like crazy. After an hour of weighing the pros and cons of the call, I finally decided to call her. I had to call her at home as I didn't have her cell number. I should have taken it when I had the chance. But anyways, so I called her home number, and of course her mom picked up, Just my luck. I asked for her, but her mom said she is sick and cannot come to the phone. Saying this she hung up. I felt that she was a little rude, but I guessed her parents were angry for last night and were making up excuses.

That evening I couldn't contain myself anymore and went to her house to see what was really going on. I had a good excuse that I came to see her as she is sick. I took a bunch of flowers to support my sincere concern. I rang the bell. Her mom opened the door. Seeing the flowers in my hand she pointed me to jello's room upstairs and in a flat tone of voice said that she is in her room and I can go see her. It felt like as if she was almost expecting me.

I went to her room and saw her lying on the bed running a high fever. She was shivering and her ears were plugged with cotton, which was soaking red. The flowers fell from my hand. She saw me and smiled. I was still in shock. It took a moment before I could register what was going on. I briskly walked towards her and with one hand on her burning head, I sat besides the bed on the floor. I still couldn't believe what I was seeing. I wanted to speak but words failed me. All I could come up with was.."I...What."..and other random words.  I gathered myself a bit more, cleared the lump in my throat and with a stronger voice asked what the hell happened to her?  Both of us noticed my voice breaking down and she smiled while my head bent down in embarrassment. I looked her in the eye, wanting for her to speak, getting forever distracted by the bloody red cotton hanging out of her ear. To express more concern I wanted to hold her hand, she told me not to touch it and not get offended...she was in a lot of pain and touching her hurt as well. It was unreal, I was in a nightmare. I had no idea what was even going on. I smiled and told her I will be back, saying this I left the room hastily as I couldn't bear to look at her like this. I asked her mom that what was wrong with my 'jello'. I came to know that she had idiopathic juvenile osteoporosis. This meant she had highly weakened bones. Her bones had stopped getting appropriate calcium from when she was around 10 years old. No wonder she always looked so fragile, like a toddler.She was under some form of alternative medicine as she was tired of trying the regular ones. The bleeding ear was a side effect of the strong dosage, which she needed due to the heavy exertion of dancing the previous night. In short, I was the reason for triggering this yet again after a gap of seven months.

I felt terribly guilty and was in tears, her mom reassured it wasn't my fault. The attacks could theoretically come anytime, even when she might be just sitting at home watching TV. Somehow this did not comfort me the way it was intended. I never thought that her wonderful smile hid so much pain. She was so cheerful all the time, even when she was in pain. How could she be so calm? From where did she have so much strength and courage to face a life like that? Not even once did she denied dancing with me that night, knowing very well what it might lead to.

She came to see me after a week, when she started walking again.I did not have the courage to face her the whole week, I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done to her. She came in my room and started talking to me as if nothing happened. I felt uneasy and asked her how does she do this? her answer left me speechless. She said that one day soon enough she will die with the disease anyways, so why die everyday thinking about it, instead live everyday so the day when death greets you, you can look in its eyes and say,Life-1 Death-0. I went and hugged her. I felt she was not looking at things realistically, but her ignorance gave her strength to fight the pain. In my head, I saluted her courage.I started crying while I was still hugging her, all I could say was sorry. All she said was that its okay and her body still hurts. I let her go and again said sorry. She was stroking her arm from the pain but was also smiling. That was the moment I decided in my head, that I will marry her."

I was expecting the father to say something at this point, but instead he was very silent. I guessed he wanted me to come to the point. I continued.."Of course, even when I decided in my head that I will marry her, I never told her. Also because I never knew how she will take it. Years passed, but her attacks never ceased completely. That night of my birthday triggered a reaction which never stopped. But down the line, even I coped up with her disease and started not to make a big deal out of it, just for her sake.

As I entered college, I left the city and could only be back home on the weekends. I liked to think that she missed me, but she never said this from her own mouth, nor did she ever call. She used to reply only if I message first and used to see me only if I called her when I was home on the weekends. My mom told me that she was not doing well at all, and her body was giving up on her. Her bones were getting too weak to support her. I refused to believe her. Call it denial or whatever, I always thought she was healthy.
Then one day in my college, I met this amazing girl. She was really beautiful...and friendly. In the beginning I thought she was wayyyyy out of my league, so I never tried to flirt with her. I had an instant crush on her though. I gave her the nickname 'caviar' because I knew I could never get her, just like a bowl of caviar. Also the first day I saw her, she was wearing this shiny orange top which reminded me of caviar. I made a terrible first impression on her, even without talking she had some weird notion about me just the way she saw me behave in class and with my classmates. I wasn't any bully or anything, but you know, how guys can be in the first year of college..feeling like the king of the world and all..something similar...As we had all the classes together, I tried to end up in her work group, one way or the other..slowly I guess she developed a certain amount of neutrality or even liking for me, as we started spending time after classes together, in the beginning it was all me who wanted to..asking for different assignments and notes etc., slowly there was some reciprocation from her side as well. The whole week in the college used to pass in anticipation of the classes to get over and to see her, everyday trying to find a new excuse which wouldn't make me come out as a stalker or a creep in her eyes. Finally, on my weekends, I used to go home and hang out with 'jello'. It felt like, I was leading two different lives. 5 days a week with my new found crush and 2 days with my old flame. This went on for months. During this time, 'Caviar' and I developed a mutual fondness and became much more closer than I could have anticipated, we didn't need excuses to see each other anymore..the assignment exchanges slowly extended into dinner at canteens, I started dropping her off to her hostel, and texting or calling her all the walk back to my hostel. Our texts included everything from cheesy 'good morning' messages to making fun of teachers to making fun of classmates, all the way up to harmless flirting and taking digs at each other. Even in silent and boring classes, we used to have a ball. We were into each other, almost inseparable. It was an enjoyable feeling, I wished that it would never end. I got more and more pulled towards 'caviar', but never once I left the thought of marrying 'jello'. 

Soon, the first year exams approached, I stopped visiting home on the weekends as it gave me extra time to group study. I started spending the weekends studying with 'caviar' now, the first year had the same syllabus for all disciplines. This helped me a lot as she was a brilliant student. One night, a week before our exams started, 'caviar' told me she liked me, out of the blue. We were quietly studying in the library. I as always, had no idea what to say. She started laughing seeing my face, but quickly covered her mouth with her hand realizing we were in the library. She told me to relax and said I don't have to like her back. I did like her. I still remember that she was wearing a skinny fit blue jeans and a white shirt with stripes, of course I liked her. Why else would I remember these trivial details of that night. But now I was torn between 'jello' and her. After the study session, we went our separate ways, she understood that I needed time to think and she respected that. She smiled and said 'good night', I wanted to hug her, but didn't...I couldn't. On the walk back from the library I messaged a 'hi' to 'jello', hoping to start a conversation. She never replied. That night I prayed to god, I prayed hard. I prayed for him to show me the way. On one hand I had 'jello', who was my school time crush and whom I had known for many many years now and whom I had promised myself to marry. On the other hand was 'caviar', who I only knew for barely a year but who was so sooooo beautiful, and I was falling for her, in fact, I had fallen for her. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't betray 'jello', but I couldn't leave 'caviar' as well. I left it up to god. I could only be with one person, and wished that somehow, magically, all this confusion will come to an end and I would have clarity to choose who I want to be with. Even if that meant he will take one of them away from me.

That night passed, exams came. I still didn't reply anything to 'caviar', I still did not receive any text from 'jello'. But I was more tensed because of the exams than to think any of this. After finishing my first paper, I called home as per tradition, to tell me mom how the exams went. What happened next shook my entire being. My mom told me that 'jello' has been in the hospital for the past 3 days. The attacks had gone out of control and 'jello' had specifically told everyone not to inform me because she knew I will screw up my exams. I was furious. I couldn't believe my ears. I started screaming at the top of my voice. I couldn't believe my mom would keep something like this from me. She said 'jello' was in her worst shape up until yesterday, but today she could at least open her eyes and talk. I wanted to go back home to see her. It was a 5 hours drive to home. There was no way I would have made it back in time for the exam the next day if I left even at that very moment. But I had to see her, I called her mom. She advised me not to come, she said 'jello' is doing much better and I can come and see her on the weekend when she will probably be back home. I was not convinced. I called up every two hours to check on her status. I couldn't talk to her. No one ever passed the phone to her.I was getting more and more anxious. I couldn't concentrate in my studies at all. I should have, but I couldn't. 'Caviar' was calling me throughout the day after she heard about it. She knew the importance of 'jello' in my life. Ironically , 'jello' never knew about her. 'Jello' and I had so much to talk about whenever we met that my college life and friends never came up.

At 8 pm that night, my mom called, 'jello' was no more.

I couldn't hear anything anymore. I sat down on the passage outside my room where I was talking to my mom. I started crying. All my friends who were nearby ran towards me. They tried to lift me up. I felt powerless, the weight of the earth on my shoulders pushing me down. I couldn't even say good bye, She was no more. I can't see her anymore. I couldn't even see her for one last time. I killed her. I KILLED HER. I asked god to show me the way, I asked god to take someone away if he has to but help me make a choice. I am the one who was responsible for her death. In her death, she made me free from the dilemma of ever choosing her. I never knew if she even loved me or not, and now I could never know. I never knew how she felt during her final hours. I couldn't talk to anyone about her. Even her family moved out soon after her death.Everything felt...EMPTY"... With these words, I started crying again, and now I no longer cared if people could hear me outside the booth, or outside the church, or even outside the country. I had faced the side of me which I was forever running from. I revealed something which was buried deep in my heart, always weighing me down. Today it was out there.Staring me directly in my face. I had no option but to confront it now.

"She wanted to see you son, All she was asking in her last moments was you." My bloodshot red eyes looked up in shock as the small curtain covering the little window between me and the father was pulled aside and the finally the shadow which I was referring to as the father all this while, showed its real face to me.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

All I could say was "You?"

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Life...As We Know It!!

Its amazing how life changes in a few seconds so drastically that even you don't know what struck you..I mean are living your life......doing good with what you have and suddenly someone comes and changes your life of all people don't know what just happened...I mean that person becomes such an inseparable part of your life that you never know how did you even manage to survive without him for so long....and also thinking that how will your day be complete without meeting him even for are angry on yourself that instead of enjoying the moment you are thinking this rubbish..but you cant just help it can love it with him,hate it without him..want him to stay there all the time. Instead of enjoying the god's sudden change of plans to shower you with long overdue love from his side in his form, you sit and wonder at night,what the Hell is going on nowadays??? You never know how u managed your 20 plus life without them all this while...but now that you don't have to,its good that you don't have just move on with it and of course taking him with you together in your life this time :D

"I want to hear a story promised..."

"Yes i did"...just like any other day i did promise my little grandchild a story, but the problem today was that i ran out of it...the last story in the story book had ended and there was no way i could repeat a story already told.she would know...anyways..i decided to let her sleep like this by postponing it till tomorrow but even still that didn't help. She got terribly upset and started sulking...of course 6 year old also have their way of revolt...she knew i can't see her crying and neither could i see her getting scolded by my son. This is the reason she chose the ultimate weapon...Tears...i just remembered my days when i was a child when everything i wanted was just made possible at the roll of a tear...that is the reason why i knew even Those tears weren't real..but me, being a grandmother now, couldn't afford to see my grandchild cry. so i took her in my arms..planted a kiss on her forehead and made her sit on my lap..her tears were already replaced by a smile accompanied by the rosy pink cheeks which got red due to her so-called crying :) but now she knew that one way or the other she is gonna get a story out of me for sure.So i started....

"..Long time ago, there lived a girl. Her parents loved her very much..she was very brave and loved to travel. Her parents were very good and always let her go to adventures on mountains and valleys and distant places on the earth. She loved to travel alone..she was a daredevil. Her parents always knew that even when she was head strong, she was responsible at the same time.They never stopped her from doing what she liked.....Slowly she grew older and time had made her even more outgoing and headstrong than she was, her demands slowly grew from cute innocent requests to bold outrageous demands, her parents slowly realizing where was headed, tried stopping her by fervor and by force..She on the other hand still unsatisfied with what she had and being a rebel that she was, just set off to see the far reaches of the earth leaving everything that she had and abandoning her parents forever. She thought what she was doing was right, of course she was just a young girl, barely out of her teens, and with her parents being so unreasonable in her mind, she was right. She slowly galloped over to the snowy lofty mountains of the north where she found a beautiful town with sunshine covering its field in the summer and snow in the winter..she fell in love with it instantly...she decided to settle down once and for all in that amazing town..slowly months passed and warm sunny summer was replaced by cold chilly winds of the winter..she loved the winter and loved playing with the snow on a chilly day.. day, just like any other when she was out all by herself, she saw a man struggling while putting the horseshoe on his horse..she stood there and watched him for a few seconds as he struggled to keep the horse still and lift his leg at the same time..barely able to put the shoe in place to pin it inside his hoof, she smiled to herself and finally decided to help..she asked in a low tone."Excuse me, do you need some help?"..The startled man looked up..their eyes met..and there it was love at first sight...they couldn't manage to take their eyes off each was only after a minute when the horse pushed the man back did they come to their senses..the girl couldn't suppress her laughter..and broke into a huge chuckle, even the man found it funny to laugh at his own little misfortune..he introduced himself as they shook hands and smiled.

This was the first time they ever met..slowly that introduction grew from just pleasantries to little details of each other lives and a single meeting of seconds grew to a lifetime of commitment..they grew so fond of each other that they decided to marry each other just after a month..the man's parents and relatives were happy for him but were also worried...."

"Why worried grandma?? You said love is a good thing? and that marriages are sacred??"

"Yes dear, of course its a good thing and of course marriage is sacred...but only when its with the right person."

"What do you mean? How can you say that? they loved each other..He was the right person!!"

"Yes dear of course they did..but what they never realized is that the feeling which they thought was love..was not love at all.."

(Interrupting)"..then what was it??"

"It was fondness my you know..the girl was alone in that town for months...she became emotionally never realize when loneliness creeps into your life and slowly changes the person you start to smile less than start to like being start losing interest in start getting weaker day by day...all the happiness in your heart starts leaving you one by one and before you know are left with a big huge void in your heart...burning to be filled by something or then meet a handsome young man..who you feel is what you needed all your feel a connection with him..Heart to Heart..but what you don't realize that in his heart even he is the same...sad and lonely."

"But isn't it good that two lonely heart become together to complete each other up?"

"Wow!!for a little kid you know too much about love..don't you my little angel??"

"He he!! no grandma..i am just curious...nothing else"..she said with a smile and her naughty eyes.

continuing..." is good..but then they never gave time to each other to be see in the early seems to be like a fairytale..both of them put up their best behaviors so that the other one is not hurt, they say nice things so that the loved one is not offended..but as you grow with it..things settle down...the masks of superficiality are slowly taken off..each ones true nature is revealed to one another...and that's the true test of love...and when you pass that..only then do you know that you were made for each other."

"But what if you take off that mask as soon as you meet.."

"You can believe you did so..but then that's just you being naive..because the more you love someone..the more protective you are for them..and that's when you don't realize when you start protecting them from yourself i mean the side of you which you know your partner wont like."

(After a while) "So you are saying they married too soon?"

"Yes, they never gave time to know each other better"

"So what now? What happened after that? Now they are married also? What if they don't like each other without the masks? What to do now??"

"That's exactly the question that was worrying the man's parents..that's why they were worried..he was their only son and they dint want his life to be ruined by a wrong marriage..but the man wasn't in the mood to listen..he was stupidly in much so that he was blinded by it towards the world."

"Oh god!!then what happened? Did they love each other after their masks were off??"


"What? so did they separate from each other??"

"No..well..they could not..because if they could mean huge shock for the man's family..which he feared his parents won't take that well."

"Then what did he do??"

"He could do nothing but to live with it..there is a saying that you make your own choices and then you have to live with it..something similar happened to him as well..he made a choice which went terribly wrong..for both of them...but then they had nothing to do but to live with became nothing but a big compromise where they got up each day to realize how messed up their lives are just because of that one wrong decision they made..they realized that falling in love and marrying was just the easy part..and living with the person not meant for each other is the brutest brunt life gave them..and they had nothing to say but to bear the burden silently all their felt like that god is taking revenge of the misdeeds they committed in this life and the previous others...

Even as their first child was born...their sad life was filled with cheers of a growing child for the first few years..but even that..couldn't take them out of their misery...the saddest thing was that they always had that feeling of What-life-could-have-been without each other..and a child meant only one more reason to continue...the once adventurous and cheerful girl was replaced by a sad old grown up lady whose daily routine was similar to that of a nurse and the handsome man with a stupid smile was replaced by a old wrinkly and freckled face which did nothing more than grumble at everything that..."

With this I suddenly saw my angel's watery eyes...i stopped...i asked her what's wrong..

She burst in to tears..saying that how is it possible?? can this happen??...every story has to have a happy ending...why not this always told me stories which ended so well with the people in it so happy...then why this one today??that too when its your and grandpa's 40th anniversary tomorrow..

"Well child!! Because this IS a true story..and I told you this story because I want you to make the right decisions in life by giving time to the important ones..and not rushing it through..for what you know life is not always a bed of roses my dear...This is life..As we know it!!!"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I am your Wolverine

When I see the moon
And the moon sees me,

My god blesses the moon

And my god blessed me,

When I see the moon...
And I see
I see the pale and blue!!

With jealousy in the eyes,
and folds on her brows

the moon frowns on me saying..

"We were together,here,Forever..

you told I was
The most beautiful
You have seen

With Teary eyes I look at the moon,
I am sorry..I said to the moon

I always thought that I was meant for you,

but U and I were never to be,

I thought I was your wolverine...and U were my moon
but now I know.. I know, that my moon is not U

My moon is out the folds of the night
She is out there, as the
bright sun light
I know she is there..

Pure and Serene
If only I cud hold her once,

look her in the eye and say...

U r my moon and...I am your

P.S. - for My moon..because the one in the sky is just not worth it. :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Finnish Summer

"Get Up you lazy Head!!This is my last warning to you...GEEEEEEEET UUUUUUUUUUP!!!"

"Huh??!!...oh mom, just 5 mins more please..please..please.."

"Shut up!! Its 7.15 already, Don't you have school

"Ya mom I do..but am busy here"

"Ya right! Get up now or you are skipping breakfast today"

"Nooooooooooooooooooo...Am UP!!"

"Good boy, Now go change. You are late"

"Yups! Love you Maa"

"Love you too Sweet Heart"


"Well! What do you know, good ol' days"

Putting down his glass of beer for the first time after having a massive gulp from it, almost emptying half the mug, my friend, my best friend, was definitely OUT.

You could always say this in conformity coz in no other condition did he ever recalled his childhood. I had heard this story probably a 1000 times before , but I could never even dare to interrupt..EVER!!! So as a good friend will, I as always, listened to it as if it was for the very first time.

"Well.." he continued.."you know bro, those were such cold mornings, even in summers, you just couldn't leave home without a sweater or a jacket. I so hated to get up early mornings"

"I know bro....but the European weather can be harsh on one, especially for people like us."

"I know...Hmmm...I agree..Hey!! can't you see m empty here...order another mug"

"Are you Sure??"

"Yups!! 100 %"


"Another round please"..I ordered.

And we both got another round as ordered placed right in front of our faces by our regular waitress face-off. I nicknamed her ' Face-off ' ..partly coz I loved the movie and partly coz no one in the bar ever looked at her face..For obvious reasons. :p

"Anyways"..he continued..breaking my attention from the waitress. " I hated my school. It was sooooooooooo far away from home...and I didn't even have a bike. So I had to walk all the way there in that chilly wind and the Hard shining sun. I could never understand whether to open my sweater so that I cool off or to leave it on me due to the wind....It was ridiculous, the tussle everyday lasted for around half an hour everyday, after that I could finally open it coz I reached the class which was warm and cozy...BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRPP!!!!"

"Oh,Behave!!..Gosh you stink"

"Sowee..Let me wipe your face"

"No! its ok, am good"...That was It! My friend was DRUNK.

"anytime now"..
I said to myself.

"That was something good..The warm classes..but so Boring..Uugh!!! I hated that.Who wanted to learn history, civics and geography???
..eww..I liked Science... :D"

You could see the shine in his eyes with the mention of Science.

"The only thing good about my school was, you know, was that it organized so many trips and outings like picnic and visits to museums etc..I loved that...even when I was a quiet child in class, I loved the trips and used to talk a lot during the trips..THE BEST PART."

You have no idea how I counted the days backwards and crossed each day as it passed, Hoping that it will end soon....Then...You know what happened one day??"

"there it is..I could see it now"..My mind spoke more worried...coz it knew what was coming ...and it was HARD to handle.

I said "What" as if I had no idea what he was gonna say next.

"One day the teacher told, its her last class today..I fell from the sky!! I couldn't believe was the worst feeling ever..My heart started sinking..I saw the calender..Oh no!! only a week left...My heart sank a bit more...But you know, My mind was Happy and ......Confused??!!....Ooo I hated that dilemma, When the mind and heart disagree completely. They were yet again in an on going battle wanting to get better of one another..Aaahhh..It was like my mind was said..What dude??You wanted this too, Didn't you ?? now what the Hell just happened??What just got into you??, But my heart kept silent and sat down in a corner. My mind just got more pissed and started Yelling, Shouting and Throwing stuff...but still my heart was was as if it never went totally Mum."

"yes!its official now!" He was crying again..What is with this 'Harald's beer' and crying men? I never had any clue..probably coz I never liked the taste of beer...anyways,so the thing is..He was crying now.

"Hey!! What are you doing??You don't care that am upset right? am going..You are no bro of mine" He saw the amusement dripping down from my face.

"Hey..Hey!!Am sorry man!!please continue."

"Ok! Sun be (Listen you idiot), then at home I just threw my bag and hugged my mom! she knew something was wrong. I never cried in front of her...I was her strong baby..I could never ,matter how much I wanted to. I told her Everything...She just replied "Lyf goes on, Let it go".Her words shook me, I got strength to face the inevitable end. but somehow my heart was still not 100% convinced. Maybe it was still clinging on to those Boring classes, those hectic schedule, those chilly mornings and my mind had no idea when my heart silently fell in Love with them all."

"Cheque please!" I shouted pointing to Face-off.

"Hey!No! am not done..I want another one."

"DUDE!!No way! You know what happens to you when you take the third round?"

"I give a Shit!!Hey you, Get me another beer,Kiitti."

"Whoa!!" He finally saw her name. "WOW!! You know her name??" I asked jumping off from my seat..My voice had both shock and excitement at the same time.

"NO! You Idiot, Its.."

Interrupting, Kiitti a.k.a. Face-off brought the beer mugs to our table. My
friend drunk it bottoms up.

"oh no! This is it, this is the so dead"

I got the packet ready, came to the seat next to his, placed the packet on the table...sighed...and said.."continue"

"Uh?? Oh ya.. Where was I....ya...So finally the day arrived....It was farewell..All the teachers, classmates in their dresses looked so Good...and Happy!! Everyone was partying,dancing and chatting around.Then dinner was served, we all sat down together. We all were told to prepare a 5 minute speech on our experience of the school. Everyone gave long speeches stating their experiences of the school and the good times they shared with each other. In my turn, I kinda omitted the first boring part and told only the good things. My heart, in a week, had absorbed the fact that I had to let it all go.

Slowly the night came to an end, we were all busy in taking group photos and stuff.

Then was the time to say the Final Good bye..My heart went restless again. It was jumping like a stubborn kid in a candy store and telling me to stop..not to let it go..its not over yet.

I on the other hand, stayed calm from the surface, as if nothing was wrong...Had a fake smile plastered on my sad face..And hugged all my teachers. Just then a tear trickled down my left eye and with a lump in my throat all I could say...I WILL MISS U ....I WILL MISS YOU SUMMER SCHOOL "


With this
he started wailing....and then vomited my 1000 bucks worth of beer in the packet on the table. All I could say in the end..."Its ok buddy..let it go..Its time, Time to go HOME"

P.S...PURELY a work of Fiction :)

Sunday, June 6, 2010


The Smell of rain wen it hits the ground,
The thundering sound between the clouds,

In a shiny nite wen the moon is wet,
Wen the barren stretch has puddles ahead,

Wen u no more have to fear the sun,
Wen u no more hav to walk in miles,
Wen d world thanks god for his heavenly blessings..

I m Sad..coz i know..
God's Weeping

If he has the power to tear the sky,
If he has the power to give new Lyf,

I ask..''y god y??''
..Oh god..
"y o y??"

y can't u take me to that place,
where I enjoy the rain..with your Love and Grace.

wen u understand the pain m thru,
y do I hav to cry with u??
y can't I be in such a place??
where I am Happy,
so r u
where m not suffering
she has no pain.

Together we walk,
and enjoy your Rain!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Love U Infinity!!

Can u think of a place Dear,
Where lyf goes on
without counting days, months or year??

No more counting of minutes,
No more track of any seconds,

Wen time is endless, so r
BUT alas..where is that place to be
where time stops whenever we say.

The second passes in a blink of an eye,
but in that second..

..I Love U Infinity!!

Dedicated to my future wife-to-be
(so girls plz dnt quit fighting..may the best girl friend win :P :P)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Repetitively Accessible Mutation

|| Jai Jai Jai Hanuman Gosai ||

|| Kripa Karahu Gurudev Ki Nai ||

A LOT has changed since I last blogged.

For starters all my friends which i blogged bout earlier finally left me as expected for a new phase in their life.I left each 1 of them til they boarded their flights/trains & left MY world to enter a new 1.(its not that m complaining but ya,definitely missing them).

Secondly,i now Finally resemble my pic put up here.

Yes, its true, people seeing me after a long gap swear to not recognize me. :P (& i secretly love it)


Now the other reason for which i waited so long to create this blog is the major festival called DIWALI.

So wats the BIG deal bout this diwali??

Yes it was not the best diwali i celebrated all my life (coz i dint celebrate it with my parents & brother ) but it was special indeed.

I did piss off many (read 99%) of my friends,yet in a wicked way i was happy being with the people i was.

The reason for this sudden change was coz i became Mutated.

YES,i became mutated & unfortunately (i guess) this mutation is here to stay.but the good news is that this mutation is not a permanent changeover from wat i previously was,rather its a "HAPPY ZONE" which i like to visit quite often now,its a Mutation to which i have an unlimited access to.

Thus the name Repetitive Accessible Mutation.

Though i may not b totally proud of the last few mnths but stil the fact remains that i have changed,this mutation has left a permanent dent in my Gene Structure which is quite difficult to repair now.

This dent has made me Human again,i can now laugh a little louder,love a little more,
shout a bit louder,cry a little harder. In short- i learnt to live life again NORMALLY and IDEALLY due to this MUTATION.

After all,thats how R.A.M. does it,so y not me??

Wat could be better than living life "the HUMAN way" ???

Even u Should try it sometimes,its much peaceful that way friends.

P.S. CONFUSED?????(Exactly my Point!!) :P

Serious P.S. All this is not just random rubbish,for some who know me well,i hope they can decipher it and for those who don't-JUST ENJOY THE RANDOMNESS.. (HUMAN STYLE) !!!

|| ITI R.A.M.AYAN ||

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Dream Come True

“It was a hot summer morning. The sun was out. The heat was ON. I was enjoying myself in the a/c. Suddenly I realised that only 2 mins were left for the train to depart. I had to get down quickly coz the compartment was crowded. Holiday season was on after all. I got down. This time SHE came till the gate to see me off. Quiet ironical actually. She gave me all the last mins advice as to how I shud stay happy & get on with my life.

I dint want to listen to it. I just wanted a hug. She gladly gave me one. Then she got back on the train as it slowly started to catch its pace and move towards a destination far far away from where I was.

I dint want her to go. But couldn’t make her stay. No matter how hard I run, the train wud have eventually left the platform & my sight forever!!

The Phone rang..& I woke up..all sweaty & wet sleeping in my room..Realising it was all just a dream. (Never mind the phone call).

I tried to sleep again, but this dream broke my Much Needed & Peaceful afternoon Nap.

I was much relieved at that point coz I realised that the pain of seeing sum1 u love, GO, was actually not for real, instead was just a dream.

But don’t people say that Din ke Sapne hamesha sach hote hain??

So was this 1 a similar kind of a dream???

Is this saying at all true??

Is it a fact or fiction??

Millions of thoughts were running thru my mind..& wat was supposedly just another mid-day dream actually became my food for thought for the entire evening.


But all said and done, u all would still b wondering that who was the girl that I was talking bout earlier, then I must tel u that since it was a dream, I forgot her face as soon as I woke up. Though it may leave a bad taste for all of u but it also kills ME from within, as even I wanted to know who this mystery girl was, whose departure caused so much pain & agony within me. I racked my brains for quite some time but then I realised.. what would I do if I did eventually found out who she was?

Would I go over and try to stop her or would I forget it as a stupid dream?

Would I try to know her better or would I stay away from her?

Then something made me realise, that true joy lies in not knowing what lies ahead.. Its in climbing the mountain and not in sitting at the top and enjoying the view. It lies in forever yearning for something and not confusing happiness with satisfaction. Happiness we get from possessing something we desire is only Momentary but being Satisfied from within is wat makes it stay.

If desires die.. so does the happiness.. that dreaming is more fun than waking up and realising them..

And I guess reading this “philosophical outtake” of mine would have induced some realisation in you, so I propose u do exactly wat I did then.. go back to sleep!! :P

PS: For further reference.. listen to ‘Phir Dekhiye’, a splendid but often overlooked track from Rock On!!