Monday, October 27, 2014

Till love do us part!





In that kitchen, midst of all that mess, everything froze: Me, her and Time.

What followed 'it' was a moment filled with complete awkwardness and silence. I have no idea how long the silence lasted but it was definitely long enough for both of us to realize that what happened, shouldn't have. When the realization sunk in, her eyes widened in fear and disbelief, she hung her head down and started nodding, perhaps even without realizing it herself. Still it was clear enough for me to understand that she regretted it. She wet her lips a little with her tongue and her lips were parting slowly, still looking for words to speak. But I knew that whatever she will speak, won't be what I want to hear.

It dawned on me that I was holding her hand. I let her hand go and said "I should go".

"Wait, no wait" she responded.

"I can't, I should leave."

"Please, can we at least.."

"No, I need to leave" I cut her mid way. "I have to.."

"Please"

Her eyes, now sad. Those deep mesmerizing eyes. I fell in love with them each time I saw them staring at me. Everyday, every minute, every second. Every time I saw her I felt those eyes were singing songs of the sirens, luring me towards them, calling me out. Every time, like a fool, I dropped everything and swam right behind them, into shipwreck. Those eyes! They were sad now. In under a minute I saw those eyes journey from passion to disbelief to sad. I couldn't let that happen. They had cast a spell on me, yet again. I stopped.

"Ok". I said. "I'll stop".

"Thank you". While saying this she came close to me, she was trying to be normal. I could see it from her body language. She was trying but failing miserably. I could see that she was equally confused and didn't know how to react anymore. She tried to hold my hand. I didn't let her. While pulling my hand away from her, I hit it on the adjacent wall.

"Owww" I shrieked.

"Careful, don't hurt yourself".

I looked at her, she could see the shame in my eyes. She took my hand in hers, this time I let her. She dragged me and made me sit on her couch. She resuming control, said "Now, what just happened?"Suddenly, from the flimsy, messy, loud-mouthed girl she became soft, calm and mature.

"Please don't be silent, please tell me, please." She asked again. this time pleading me to break my silence.


"I don't know" I said.

"Ohkay, but why ...from when...suddenly, HOW?" she was surprised. Confused. I couldn't blame her. So was I. So many questions running in her head. I had answers to none of them.

"I DON'T KNOW". This time my voice was loud and clear.

"Ok, ok, relax. It's no big deal." She was taken aback by my response and was trying to calm me down.

"No big deal, Really??? How can you say that?"

"Well, yeah." Her voice started to stutter and I could feel that she was filled with self-doubt. After so many years of being close friends. Even her small mannerisms caught my eyes clearly. I knew exactly what she was thinking at any given moment.


"Shut the fuck up, do you know me? Do you take me for an idiot? Do you think I don't know you, or what you feel? We are best friends, I know what you think by the way you breath. That's how well I know you. So don't give me this bullshit that it's no big deal; because no matter what you say. I know it is. For you. IT IS A BIG DEAL. You are so messed up man, do you know for how long have I tried to deny it, tried to bury these feelings inside of me because I know that if i show them to you, it will mess you up. It will mess you up so bad. I know it way too well. In our friendship, I have been the strong pillar on which you have always leaned on. I know that you feel that I am the reason you think that your life is together at the moment. You think I am holding all of your broken pieces together. But guess what, you hold me together too. I am broken too."I covered my face with my palms. For a long time I had this uncontrollable urge to confess all my feelings to her. It was now satisfied. I had kept my emotions bottled up for so long inside that now the dam of my patience wasn't able to take the pressure anymore and finally gave up. My emotions were flowing. Finally. And I was riding on them, freely and carelessly. I knew that this flood of emotions will destroy everything in its path, but there was no stopping it now.

I knew her eyes were watery since her nose had started running. She took out a tissue to clean herself up. She tried to take my hand off my face to see if I was ok. I was not, my face was warm, red and my palms were wet from my tears. I felt so many emotions, so strongly that it physically hurt. I moved my face away, avoiding her touch yet again. But I took my palms off my face anyways.

At that moment she said " I cannot lose you, you are the only one who is holding me together. I am not lying about that."


"I know that, of course I know that."

I had significantly calmed down, to my own surprise. I felt the worst was over. That storm inside of me had calmed down. I felt much more normal now.

"Of course I know that" I continued. "That is why I didn't wanna complicate things for any of us. I know what we had was stable, was solid, thick. I didn't want to lose it too. After all that has happened, I cannot afford to lose the way I fell about you."

"Awww..look at you, being all mushy and shit." Ok, she was back to her normal stupid self.

Thank to her, I felt better now. "Stop. Ok. See, I knew you like me from the very beginning." I said.

"Really, was it that obvious?"

"Duh! Your eyes give it all away."

"Shit."


"Yes, so well, it was that obvious.But I never acted on it, willingly."


" What? Why?"

"Because we never talked about it, I couldn't just assume that you like me. If I would have assumed and made some advances in that direction, what if it wasn't true and things got weird. I didn't want that to happen. So I was always silent. You understand right?"


"Yeah, I understand", she paused for a moment, thinking something deeply, then she spoke again, "But how do we proceed from here?"

"I don't know, I can't let these feelings grow, I mean how will I explain it to 'her'?"

"Oh right! I don't think you can."

"I know, but I have to right, Don't I ?" This time I was filled with self doubt. Looking for some reassurance from the only trustworthy friend I had.


"Depends on you, Its not like you two are in a relationship."

"We are not in a relationship....yet."

As soon as I said that, I realized that I shouldn't have. Her face turned serious again, her eyes grew big and had a streak of seriousness in them. Her eyes were a mirror to her heart. They started welling up again. Everything going on inside her was so clearly visible to me, as if I was sitting right inside her heart witnessing all the turmoil happen right in front of me. The joy and hope which had rekindled, was slowly dying inside of her. No matter how much she denied it, that kiss had her flying high, but as reality struck, I could see her crashing down. She was willing to let everything go, her family, her friends, her past life, her stupid, complicated flings. She was willing to let everything go and jump right in with me inside that mess of a head I had. Hand in hand, together. She was willing to untie each and every knot, uncomplicate every complication, iron out every crease. But I was too chicken to let her. Even after letting out everything. Even after putting all my cards on the table. Even after winning. I wasn't willing to. I didn't want to win, I couldn't.

 I couldn't see her so miserable anymore.I got up and proceeded towards the gate. This time she didn't stop me. She was still sitting on the couch, looking at me, sad and dismal. As if her life was slipping away from her hands. This is what I was afraid of. This is what I wanted to avoid, this is what I could never do, I didn't want to hurt her, she had been hurt way too often and way too much by others. I was the only reason she was happy, stable and composed. Now I was taking that away from her. I shouldn't leave, I didn't want to. My heart was telling me not to. It was still stuck on that couch. Sitting, looking at me in dismay. But I was weak- I was weak then, when I kissed her in the kitchen, I was weak now, when I was leaving her alone. I didn't know what tomorrow had in store for us. I didn't know if we will be friends tomorrow. Deep in my heart I knew we will be, but I was still afraid. My heart was sinking. My throat was drying up. I was weak in my knees. But I pushed all these feelings away and got ready. I turned towards and looked at her. Her eyes looked right through me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave. Not this way.

I opened up my arms, I wanted her to hug me. She got up and came running towards me. She hugged me tightly. Like never before.It felt like forever; deeply satisfying. She didn't want to let go. I didn't either, but I had to. I slowly pulled myself away ending the hug. She understood and started pulling herself away too. It was time to let go. Her reluctance was clearly visible, but it was time. She was looking at me. So was I . This time completely lost in those big, watery eyes of hers. She came close, she brought her face closer to mine. I did too. All my barriers started vanishing one by one, all my guards started falling as I moved closer to her inch by inch. I tilted my head to the right, she to the left. I could feel her breath on my face now. With one hand I held her hand and put it on my chest and held her waist and pressed it against mine with the other. I could feel a sudden blood rush inside of me. Her heart was racing, I could feel her heartbeat through her hands on my chest. She felt it too. We were so close that everything else became blurry. At that moment nothing else mattered. All the apprehensions, complications disappeared. At that very moment, she closed her eyes. I did too and...